Where Have I Been?

My poor little blog has been sorely lacking in attention in recent months. I would be really surprised if anyone out there who used to read this blog still stops by. It's really a good thing this blog isn't a house or we'd have gotten hundreds of warning letters from the home owners' association by now on the sad disrepair and unkempt look of it. Alright, I'm finished with the ridiculous analogies.

To answer the question: Where have I been? Well, right here. Okay, not "here" on my blog, but "here". I've been busy living life and rediscovering my passion for life and loving God.

I'm going to be a bit honest here, and I sincerely hope I don't hurt anyone's feelings. This is the story of my journey, and it isn't meant to reflect badly on anyone else. OK, now that the disclaimer is out of the way: here goes.

We spent years in a local assembly, and we loved most of it. However, we really struggled there over the past couple of years. There were a lot of things that went into that, and none of them really needs to be discussed here in detail. Suffice it to say that we didn't realize it at the time, but we were dying a slow spiritual death.

Now, I don't blame the pastor or the church for this. It is mostly my fault for succumbing to the whisperings of doubt and discouragement. I just got to the place that I was struggling, and I felt like there was no lifeline where we were. Maybe I should have screamed louder, but sometimes you get so entrenched in your own circumstances that you can no longer find your voice to yell for help. The feeling was something akin to the dream where you wake up trying to scream, but all that comes out is a whisper.

We stayed as long as we did because we were being obedient to the Lord. He told us to stay, so we did until He told us to leave. We still love all of the people at our old assembly, and we love the pastors who recently retired after many years of faithful service. But, we are very excited about where we are now. Is it perfect? HA! If it was, they would have to kick us out. But it is perfect for us because that is where Papa has placed us.

Our little angel loves her children's pastor and the volunteers who give her so much love and affection. For my husband and I, it was as if we had been suffocating and didn't even realize it until we were able to breathe fully and deeply of His presence. I feel stronger and more full of faith than I have ever been.

Let me give you an example. My husband still doesn't have a permanent job - he's still substitute teaching. Now, ask me if that worries me . . . go ahead, ask! Never mind, I'll just tell you - NO! In fact, he recently resigned from his second job, a part-time gig at Sears, because we both (separately) felt that was what the Lord wanted.

About four weeks ago our refrigerator went out, and we had to get a new one. Then two days ago my angelic daughter spilled a cup of coffee on my cell phone (which also serves as our home phone) effectively ending its life. Oh, and the air conditioner in our car is still on the fritz as we approach summer here is Southeast Texas.

A year ago the combination of those events would have sent me into a complete panic. I would have screamed, "Why, God, is this happening to us? Can't anything ever be easy? What did I do to deserve this?" Yes, I can be very melodramatic at times. This time though I greeted it with an, "OK, Papa, how are you going to handle this circumstance?"

At every turn our faith just seems to be building. We are once again singing His praises with abandon. I have a song in my heart that He has placed there.

I have to say that I credit a great part of our renewed joy and faith to where we are now worshiping. The pastor speaks words of faith and encouragement. He acknowledges the difficulties in this life but speaks to God's faithfulness and His power in us. It is just the recipe I needed, and it has allowed me to let go of the load I was carrying, which was breaking my will.

Here is the great part in all of this, and I find myself in disbelief even as I say this: Our circumstances have not changed, but He has changed us in the midst of our circumstances. This has been one of the hardest times in our life to walk through; however, I can say that I am seeing the fruit of it in our relationship with God.

I am reminded of the story where Peter stepped out of the boat to walk on water and promptly sank like a rock (see Matthew 14:23-33). He asked me to trust in Him, and I did until I saw the waves. Fortunately, He has taken my hand, shown me His great love and allowed me to learn to trust more fully in Him.

I am in no way naive enough to think I will never struggle again. I am, however, trusting enough to believe that He will remain steadfast in me even when I find myself wavering.

Blessings!